If Only it were a Scam
by Turoru
Summary: When being a nerd leads to entering a contest for free Hetalia things, our lovely heroine doesn't quite get the "figurines" she was expecting.  Instead, life-sized Hetalia units are shipped to her randomly. Based of LolliDictator's Hetalia Manuals.
1. Russian Invasion

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Ivan, fortunately, nor the series Axis Powers: Hetalia. I do not own the Ivan Braginski: User Guide and Manual, that's LolliDictator's. I do, however, own myself and this fanfic based off a cute little guide on how to care for your IVAN unit.

* * *

To say I'm interesting would be a lie. I'm average. In fact, I'm probably just as average as you get. I'm 5'3, on a good day, a little on the rounder side just because I'm small. My face is a weird mix of a square and a circle, my hair is short and choppy and very bed-head, my eyes are black even though I always wear colored contacts, and I'm very tan. Because, as much as I hate it, I'm Guyanese. Half, at least. And it sucks; I want to be white. I guess I try to "blend in", despite my … uh, otaku-y side. I practically live in American Eagle, skate by on my grades, and deny most affiliations to the "odd" people and anime nerds. Just. Average. But you know, that's only as far as being in public goes! I mean, I can't deny my weird friends I meet online that I love to death, or any anime obsessions since I eat, breath, and sleep internet.

And that's where my trouble starts, see? Fucking interweb.

Hetalia isn't an obsession, as far as I'm concerned; it's a fucking _lifestyle_. It's my _addiction._ And damn, it's worth it. So, like any other day, I'm hitting up any and all sites to get my fix (which reminds me that I need to watch the latest episodes!) when BAM. Pop-up, right on my screen. What the hell? Why wasn't my blocker working! Frustrated, I clicked the "x" and went back to my business and the, _what do you know,_ it was back! Okay, I thought, I'll humor this stupid thing and just see what it wants.

"_Do you want a free Axis Powers: Hetalia unit for yourself? Enter now for a chance to win!"_

Oh. My. Fucking. God. This is a scam, really. It's a scam, it's gotta be a scam! Of course, that's what I'm telling myself as I fill it out frantically, because _oh my God I'm going to win this! _But you know, I'm expecting all that totally lame "To finish, please visit one of our sponsors!" things to pop up and deny me of my Hetalia fetish. Er…not a fetish, ignore that. Not. Even. Nothing popped up! In fact, my laptop fucking _froze_. So either Shwicky (my lovely Dell) was being a tard, or he just contracted an STD. Shut up, you're just jealous that my laptop has a definite gender.

"_Congratulations! Your first unit will be shipped within 2-5 business days! Please look for a confirmation e-mail at the provided address."_

Oh. My. Fucking. God. This is dope! I mean, I WON. Yeah! I mean, I totally wasn't bouncing around in my seat or anything, no wa- oh _fuck_. How was I supposed to explain THIS one to my mom! Just drop it casually? "Oh hey, mom. Just BY THE WAY, I entered this really cool nerdy contest and got free stuff and now A "MAN" WHO IS CONSIDERABLE OLDER THAN YOUR PRETTY DAUGHTER is living in your house and mooching off your stuff." Oh yeah, that'd go over SO well. Fuck it, I'd just bite the bullet if it came to that. Whatever. And so, as I immediately surfed over to my yahoo, I squirmed on my bed in glee, twisting this way and that way and _oh my god what was on my back!_

"Go away, Gizmo. Stop drooling your cat spit on me."

* * *

Time seemed to crawl, those next couple of days. I mean, I had no idea when my thing was coming and I didn't know what to expect (to be honest, I was expecting some lame figurine the size of my thumb) and lordy, I was just excited. I mean, it's not like I DO anything. Wake up, shower, drink coffee, go to school, come home, spend all night on the internet, go to sleep sometime after 1 in the morning, and repeat. That's really all I do. I'm home alone most of the time, so it's not like there's anyone to entertain me.

When I sit at home, I blast music. Like, really LOUD music. Annoying, American Pop and mainstream music. Plus, my doorbell's broken, so it's no wonder I didn't hear the knocking. At first. When I decided, "Hey, I'm hungry!" it didn't take me long to pick my way around my disaster area of a room and into the loft, which is when I saw _it._ The big truck with this little gr- _oh my God was that Flying Mint Bunny!_ Needless to say, it didn't take me long to get down my stairs and to the door. Upon throwing it open, I came face to face with a rather clean-cut looking man in delivery uniform. He was cute; the F.M.B on his uniform only added. Damn, I'm shallow.

"Uh, hey" I offered quietly, staring between him and the hugeass box beside him. "That mine?"

"Sign here," he gruffed as he shoved this weird pad thing I saw the Swans drivers with, once.

Rude much, I thought as I grabbed the pad, quickly scribbling (I can't write cursive, fuck you) my name and staring at the box. This thing…..was taller than me.

"…..ual. Hey. Are you listening? HEY."

"What?" I took me a minute to realize this guy was, in fact, talking to me. "Can I help you?"

He scowled at me- oooh, someone was cranky! "Here's your manual."

I nodded lamely, taking this manila folder (people used these, still? Awesome.) from him and tossing it onto my stairs. The guy looked at me funny, and I smiled back.

"Do you need me to get it inside?" he asked, right as my dog decided to shove his nose between my legs and the doorframe.

"Nah, it's cool. I can take care of it."

He looked at me like I was crazy (which I probably was since I was smaller than this crate!) but didn't ask any more questions and left.

I just grinned like an idiot and shut my door. Somebody just got a new toy.

Well, first things first- figure out what the hell was on my doorstep. Not overly concerned, I grabbed up the folder and none too carefully opened it, dumping the packet into my hands. And, what was so neatly typed in bold on the front cover?

"_IVAN BRAGINSKI: USER GUIDE AND MANUAL."_

Oh. My. Fucking. God. This was not happening. The manual was on the stairs (or perhaps the floor) within a matter of seconds, and I had thrown open my door and ran outside and nearly into the crate. But, alas, Mr. FMB Delivery dude was already gone. That meant I had no hopes of returning this thing. Shit.

So, of course, I trudged back inside my house in defeat, scooped up the manual, and gave a pitiful look to my dog.

"Love you, buppy. But it looks like I'm done for. I'm gonna miss you, Max."

I dragged my feet up the stairs, stepped on anything in my path in my room, and literally threw myself onto my bed. Then, I crawled towards my computer and immediately logging into one of my many (RP, since I'm that nerdy) MSN accounts to seek out the one person I thought could help me.

_**LOVINO **__fucking__**VARGAS**_ says:

*OMG ATTI DB

Matthew Williams says:

*WHAT

*OVO

_**LOVINO **__fucking__**VARGAS**_ says:

*ATTTIIIIIIIII

*DDDDDDDDDDDDB

Matthew Williams says:

*D-DIDSOMETHINGHAPPEN

*DDDB

_**LOVINO **__fucking__**VARGAS**_ says:

*SDKGSDFG

*IVAN

*MAIL

*;A;

*I'MDEAD

*TAKEITAWAY

*IDON'TWANTITTTTTT

Matthew Williams says:

*...I FAIL TO UNDERSTAND YOU

*;A;

*;A;

_**LOVINO **__fucking__**VARGAS**_ says:

*;A;

*HOW DO I FIX IT

*O3O

Matthew Williams says:

*FIX WHAT ATTI IS CONFUUUUSED ;A;

_**LOVINO **__fucking__**VARGAS**_ says:

*... ;A;

Matthew Williams says:

*IVAN, WHAT?

*RUSSIA, IVAN?

*;A;

_**LOVINO **__fucking__**VARGAS**_ says:

*I'LLTELLYOULATER

*IFILIVE

*BRB

Matthew Williams says:

*...FJSNKGDFBJHKN HB

I guess….I really did have to bite the bullet. Reluctantly, I grabbed the manual and sluggishly slid down my stairs. That's right, slid. I sat down and eased myself down the stairs to waste time. Once I got to the bottom, I went outside, moved around the box containing all of my fears in "human" form, and sat in the rocking chair beside it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

"So, uh, how do I do this…" I mused. And no, dammit, I don't talk to myself. A lot. Whatever, shut up.

After some….not so thorough reading, I glared at the stupid crate on my doorstep. "Hate you, giant Ivan box." And thus, started a 2 minute staring contest with his crate. Because I'm that cool.

"Stupid commie," I muttered , toeing the concrete of my porch before going back to glaring at his box. And, trying repeatedly to pronounce …. that weird Russian word. I knew I succeed when, much to my delight, the faintest sobbing could be heard from inside the box. Because, you know, the manual said so. So, I opened the door and, surprise! The crying had been in my head. Dammit.

"You know what? America landed on the moon." And that, friends, is when I ran.

* * *

"So, uh, Ivan."

"Da?"

"Um….welcome to my house?" I made this weird face, quite normal for me, where I purse my lips (kissy lips!) and move them waaay to the right; sometimes, I scrunch up my nose, too.

"Thank you," he cooed…which really, really freaked me out. Just saying.

"Um, you've gotta stay in the basement. You should like it; it's dark and cold down there. Uh, it's a little messy, sorry, but there's a bed? And a nice big window. No sunflowers, I can't grow plants without killing them except for last year when I kinda grew some marigolds in science, but uh, not important. Vodka is in the freezer. There's only two bottles, so let them thaw or something and then make them last. I can't get you anymore, got it? Ok. Umm," I started to loose track of what I was saying as I stared at this manual. T-The hell was with this guy! Get him out of my house!

"Da?"

"Oh, uh, that box is yours. Do whatever with it. Don't hurt my cats. Or the dog. Behave. And, uh, don't freak my mom out. And I can't cook Russian, sorry. I can make chicken….or uh, spaghetti or fetticuine, or I can make hamburg-"

"Kolkolkolkolkolkolkol…"

"Um, yeah. Right."

The two of us stood awkwardly for a minute or so. At least, it was awkward for _me._ He…just stood there. And _stared _at me. Oh my God, someone save me. I'd, uh, offer him to Atti later. Or Chalti. Someone.

"So like, this way. Down here. Throooough the door," I directed as I lead tall, bright, and yandere into my deep, dark basement. And no, the way his feet was thudding against my wooden stairs didn't scare me. I always run down them. Always.

"This is it. Uh, don't mess with the shit over there. It's heating and water boiler and stuff and I don't really know. There's a TV if you want it, but I don't know if it works. Um….that's about it."

Ivan, who had picked up his box at sometime I wasn't aware of, wandered over to the bed, to do God only knows what.

I _hauled my ass up those steps._

* * *

It didn't take long for me to forget Ivan was even there. He stayed in the basement, content with something not destructive, I hoped, and I locked myself in my room and prayed to God to forgive me for being a horrible person and to make Ivan disappear from my house. And then, I fell into a fitful sleep and napped for a good hour or two.

Waking up, I realized that it was all just a vivid nightmare. I mean, no way Ivan would REALLY show up in a box at my door. That thing was just a scam. I yawned and muttered nonsense, making my face again as I sat up to go make dinner or something. That was when I realized Ivan was very real, and very much in my doorway watching me sleep. Oddly enough, this reminded my of something my friend did….watching me sleep. Anyway, besides the point! This was Ivan; the creepy Russian!

"Shiiiiiit," I whined as I pouted. Ivan just smiled at me, that creepy fucker.

"Uh, you hungry? Or something?"

"Da."

"…Right, then. Let me get up, and I'll make haaaaaaa…..wt …. food? I'll make hot food." Oh yeah, me, real smooth save. Awesome. I did my best to watch Ivan while I crawled off my bed and tiptoed around my room, and then just kind of stared up at him. He seemed more than content to just follow me and watch me without saying a word. Scary.

"…..I can make you a sandwich." I took the lack of words to continue listing options.

"I can make you pasta. Or, uh, coffee." I tried not to spazz when I heard him chuckle.

"Nyet. Comrade, coffee is not food," the creepy Commie giggled at me.

"Oh, right. Uh. Right." I was honestly at a loss of words.

Dear God in heaven….please, help me not die at the hands of this crazy Communist who was living in my house.

"Comrade, everything ok?" I stared at Ivan, then pointed to the stove.

"How about I just make some soup, and you can spike it with your vodka or something, and we all just go to sleep. Or something."

Ivan seemed to think this over for a moment, and then smiled his happy, creepy Commie smile at me. "Da," he cooed, "sounds like a plan."

* * *

**Why yes, I am derpy. Thank you for noticing. I don't know, I had way too much fun with this. But, because it was fun, I kind of want to continue on with the rest of the Hetalia units, in order. Of course, that could change if I get lazy and (supposedly) my other fanfic takes priority over this!**

**Sorry if Russie seems OOC. I'm not too familiar with him as a character.**

**In fact, I don't even like him, much. -SHOTHARD-**


	2. Korean Movement

**Disclaimer: **I own JACKSQUAT. I mean, 'cept myself. I kinda wanna claim that sometimes.

* * *

"G'morning."

"Comrade, past 12 is not morning."

Ivan seemed well at home at my kitchen table, sitting there doing absolutely nothing more than twirling some stupid fake sunflower I guilt myself into buying him a few days earlier. "Fffuck you, Ivan" I grumbled as I breezed past to hit up the coffee maker. Mmm…coffee. So what if it _was_ past 12? I was fucking tired. I swear I could feel any energy I had seeping out of me as I paced the kitchen as I waited on my brew. I wasn't addicted; I needed to stay awake.

Ivan was busying himself now, humming some tune I couldn't -and probably wouldn't want to- place. And still, he was spinning that dumb flower. Already, I regretted buying the stupid thing.

"Ohmigod, stop it."

"Nyet."

I narrowed my eyes, trying to be bitchy and intimidating to coerce the Russian into doing my bidding. Oh yeah, tiny little girl big Russian man. Totally. "Ivan, just stop."

He smiled, creepily if I may add, as he said "Nyet, comrade. Not until you stop pacing."

As if to prove a point, I stomped to a stop in front of the percolator ("Kolkolkolkol" echoed through the semi-quiet kitchen- Mr. Commie wasn't a ray of sunshine in the morning, either!) and jerked it out of the …thing. And, as if my retribution for such a stupid act, it sloshed up and nearly over the sides.

"Happy, commie?"

"Kolkolkolkolkolkolkolkol…."

The two of us stared each other down before I freaked out and spun around so my back was to him. Not because I was scared, I just needed a coffee cup. Yeah. I was pouring my oh-so-heavenly-smelling-liquid-alert, a series of curt raps on the door. I frowned, grabbing my mug of coffee and taking a sip as I stalked towards the door; I slammed it down near Ivan because I forgot my creamer and sugar and it pissed me off.

"Hi," I chirruped, whipping out a smile and people voice as I opened the door, pretending I really didn't look like I just woke up. And, this smile faltered and nearly fell as I found myself staring into the face of another (good-looking to the point I regret not wearing one of my Homecoming dresses) Flying Mint Bunny delivery people and a large box.

"Oh my God, just give me the manual thingy and the signature thingy."

He grinned and gave it to me, I scribbled and snatched, and somehow managed to keep my dog inside the house as I waved goodbye to the man. And then, it was just the box, which he had so kindly helped me lift into my house….

"Who is it, comrade?"

"It's one of you…things. It's a thing," I frowned as I ripped open the manila envelope, and blanked at the name. "Ivan, c'mere. You know him? I can't remember…."

The Russian idled closer, placing a large hand on my shoulder (OH MY GOD SCARY) as he stared at the paper.

"OhmyGodit'sKorea….!" I whispered all of a sudden, before he could respond. "Ewwwww…"

Russia frowned at the paper, then at the box, then plucked the smaller box from off top and carried it to the table.

"Yeah, you fucker, leave me over here alone with it," I grumbled as I scanned the paper quickly. Giving Russia a quick glance, I frowned and moved to unlatch the crate. Then I thought better of it and went to fetch Shwicky just to play that stupid CD that came with it. Stupid Korea. When I got back downstairs, laptop cradled safely in my arms (God forbid all of my MSNs shut down and I lose chat logs!) and Ivan was fluttering that God damn flower around Im Yong Soo's crate. What. The. Hell.

"Ivan, stop that."

"Nyet."

"Ivan," I sighed as I settled Shwicky on the arm of my couch. "Just do it."

The Russian fell silent, which I assumed was a good thing, and I went about my job of rummaging around Korea's box for the CD. Not paying much attention, I grabbed the first CD I found and shoved it into my disk drive. At least, I tried to; the stupid thing wouldn't open.

"This is lame desu," I growled, smacking my computer and (sadly) succeeding in making it crash. This was going to be a pain the log back into to, what, 5 or more MSNs? I smacked my laptop around some more and messed with it, not even paying much attention to the stupid crate or the stupid Russian or his stupid giggle or anything else in the stu- wait…why was Ivan giggling?

"Your breasts belong to me, da-ze~!"

And suddenly, there was extra weight on me, which immediately sent me and my weak self crumpling to the ground, and wrongly placed hands _on my chest_. The fuck was this fucker doing groping me!

"What th- get off of me, oh my God, let go let go let go let go!" I shouted, flailing my arms rather uselessly in attempts to get the Asian nation to let the fuck go of my boobs. This proved to be in vain, as he refused to move until I started screaming profanities and bragging about his box. Honestly. The neighbors were going to think I was either A) getting murdered, or B) crazy. Maybe I was crazy because these two were murdering my sanity. Huh.

"I found kimchi, da-ze!" the excited Korean squealed (yes, _squealed_) as he rifled through his box.

"You better put that shit down and back the fuck up. You get nothing." As I crossed my arms from the floor and glared over at the Korean, Ivan still giggling like the fucked up child he was, I didn't think I'd ever seen a more heart-broken face. I kind of wanted to hug him…

"I mean it, Korea."

Oh, glory be. What a wonderful morning. Not.

* * *

"I'm hungry, da-ze!"

I glared at Korea from over my laptop, then stared back at the screen. "I told ya, I'm not going to feed you because you were being stupid."

"Not fair, da-ze!" he wailed in protest.

I don't even know where Ivan was, which scared me. God, I hoped he disappeared….or, uh, wasn't causing trouble somewhere. Maybe if he was here, he could do something about this stupid Im Yong Soo and his need for food. I had half a mind to call Peter, my Korean lab partner whose name isn't really Peter, but then I remembered that I wasn't cool enough to have his number. Right.

"Shut up," I whined back as I slid the computer from my lap. "And if I come back and find you touching my computer, so help me, I'm gonna kick your little ass."

"But, you're smaller th-"

"Shut up. Or I'm banning your dramas."

The Korean whined and I ignored him, clicking a few things on the screen before successfully making it into the kitchen.

"What is that, comrade?"

"Uh, air?" From the look Ivan gave me, I was assuming that he didn't mean the invisible stuff surrounding us. "That cat? The dog? The….music?"

"The music. It sounds like something America would listen to, da?"

I won't lie, I felt a little proud at that even if, uh, I don't say my Pledge of Allegiance every morning at school. Hey! It's not like I don't face the flag with my hand over my heart! I … you know, just don't SAY it. Whatever, I'm patriotic in my own way, ok!

"Oh. Frank Sinatra."

We left it at that and I went to the stove to try cooking some Russian dish, and some loud garbage started blaring from my laptop. Of course, it was Korea.

"Stop touching it," I whined as he started whining because I had come over to smack him with a spoon.

"I'm not touching it anymore, da-ze! Stop hitting me!"

After getting him away from my poor baby, I was going through my programs to make sure it was ok. MSN just, you know, popped up on its own. It logged itself in, too.

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo ** _Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***-clings-**

***ATTIII :U**

***Let's say, HYPOTHETICALLY, one got Korea under their possession**

***What would they do with him?**

***Other than, uh, throw him out a window. :/**

***HYPOTHETICALLY**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*...Keep it away from K-Pop fangirls ;n;_

_*Because they would eat him_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine! _says:

***...What else?**

***WHAT WOULD YOU FEED IT?**

***AND IVAN**

***IF YOU HYPOTHETICALLY HAD THAT TOO**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*...THIS HYPOTHETICAL SOUNDS NICE_

_*;A;_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***IT'S NOT**

***IT'S HORRIBLE**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*...CAN ATTI HAVE HELP WITH A HYPOTHETICAL THEN IF I HELP_

_*;w;_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***...Sure?**

***HYPOTHETICALLY, I CAN HELP**

***8D**

"You're not Spain, comrade."

"…..I know this, Ivan. Shut up for a second, let me talk to my friend."

"Your friend is Greece, then?"

I frowned, wishing Atti would type fasterrrr.

"No, Ivan, he's not Greece. He's Atti."

heracles karpusi. says:

_*FEED THE KOREA SUSHI WITH SLEEPING PILLS._

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_G__ood Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***...But I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate sushi**

***Where would I get it?**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*...The grocery store_

_*:U_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

_**Sunshine!**_** says:**

***...BUT I DON'T WANNA WALK OR DRIVE**

***...HYPOTHETICALLY**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*...OF COURSE_

_*... /thinks/_

_*...DO YOU HAVE FUDGE_

"If you are not Spain, and he is not Greece, then why does your box say their names?"

"You mean my MSN? Uh, because it does. It's a ro-…..never mind. You wouldn't get it, Ivan."

"Nyet. I think you should try, comrade."

Atti, pleeeeease trade me! Or just TAKE HIM! I'd text Chalti about it…she'd want an Ivan, of course!

"Ivan, I'm not going to try explaining, you won't understand. Now shut up and let me IM about my problems."

Scary Russian just continued to loom over my shoulder.

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***I can make some?**

***DOES KOREA LIKE FUDGE OR IS THIS WACKY HEADCANON FROM RENEGADE? DB**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*...EVERYONE LIKES FUDGE_

_*:U_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_G__ood Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***OH O- IVAN TOO?**

***HYPOTHETICALLY?**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*...I THINK IF YOU TOLD HIM_

_*THAT AN ALFRED ATE_

_*THIRTY OF THEM_

_*HE WOULD EAT SO MUCH HE'D PASS OUT_

_*:U_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***...Even if he was reading this over my shoulder?**

***Hypothetically?**

"Kolkolkolkolkolkol….."

Oh GOD he was scary!

heracles karpusi. says:

_*...Hypothetically, then an American really COULD eat thirty brownies_

_*I've done it_

_*It's amazing_

_*8D_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***...Now I want brownies**

***;A;**

***BUT I thought we were talking about fudge?**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*...Fudge = brownies_

_*Right_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***OH**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*:U_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***OK**

***Well, brb**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*WAIT WAIT_

_*SDHJSFG_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo**_ Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***Because they're hypothetically breaking my house**

***WAITING WAITING**

***D:**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*_

_*ANDCRITICIZINGIT_

_*;n;_

_*HYPOTHETICALLY_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF AND ENJOY IT**

***Ewwww porn**

***D:**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*...SHUDDUP_

_*IT'S HEALTHY_

_*DB_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***IT IS IT IS OK BRB**

heracles karpusi. says:

_*DJGSFGJKSFN GOOD LUCK_

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo **_Good Morning, Mr. Sunshine!_ says:

***HYPOTHETICALLY, YOU TOO**

"Um, sooo…who wants some brownies?" I asked, shutting my laptop and getting up. Ivan glared at me and Korea started babbling, though I wasn't exactly paying attention to him.

So, I wonder where that Melatonin went….

* * *

**AN: **I...I really don't like Korea anymore than I like Ivan. HAHAHA. OTL. Ummmm, anyway. This is crazy, I'm crazy. I'll get around to updating everything on a schedule soon but auuuhghgsdg. I got kicked out of my house and now I don't know how much time I'll have for writing at the place I'm staying, so uh...yeah. OTL.

Not much to say this time... ;;

OH BUT UM, THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS. YOU GUYS REALLY MADE ME SMILE. 8D

Someone asked if I do Facebook RPs, and sadly, I do not. Just MSN.


	3. Prussian Wurst

**Disclaimer: **Nope, still don't own anything. I don't even own myself anymore; I belong to the Mexican Government.

* * *

"I don't even want to know who it is this time," I muttered. That sealed envelope with the manual seemed like a brick in my hands.

"I'll look, da-ze!"

"No! You stay away from me, fuckface."

Korea looked at me, I could tell from the sudden silence, but I wasn't concerned enough to actually look at him. Because, seriously. Just…no.

I opened the envelope, because there wasn't really much I could do to put off opening the dumb box, and to be honest I wasn't going to be patient enough to leave this huge ass box in my doorway. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't fly with anyone. So, to get it over with, I just ripped open the envelope.

"Oh. My. God."

"Who is it, comrade?"

"Shut up, don't talk to me."

Apparently Ivan had gotten used to me, because there was less of a reaction than I had expected (or wanted).

"Kill me. Kill me now."

"Gladly?"

"No, I didn't mean it! Fuck, I'm 16! I want to live, thank you!" I retorted quickly, still staring at this paper. This horrible, horrible paper. I could feel that each time I read one my lifetime was getting cut short.

"Ivan," I snapped quickly, "do me a favor and go buy me some beer. I'll give you money for vodka, too."

As soon as I mentioned money and buying vodka, the Russian was gone with no questions asked. He didn't even mind that I was making him walk to the Huck's. Now, all that was left was Yong Soo.

"You.."

"Yes, da-ze?"

"…Go sit outside and don't move an inch until Ivan gets back."

* * *

"Dummkopf!"

"Your Awesomeness!"

"Stinktier!"

"..Was?"

I frowned, narrowing my eyes. This guy….ugh. At least he seemed to be enjoying that beer Ivan bought him. Should I mention to him that Ivan bought it?

"Ich spreche kein Deutsch."

I can't handle this. Why, why, why, why was this happening to me? Someone had it out for me.

"Okay, look Gillyboy. We've got some rules in these here parts."

"No we don't, da-ze!"

"Shut up! We do _now_, okay?"

Ivan and Yong Soo both frowned at me. Apparently they didn't like me being mean. Too bad, I deserved it! They were ruining my life!

"Rule one. You work. You're all working for me, now! Get a job, keep your job, give your money to me."

"That sounds unfair.."

"The awesome me doesn't work!"

"Rule two. If you want something, you have to work to pay for it. This means no beer, vodka, food, etc. unless you can earn the money for it."

"But, you feed us da-ze."

"Yes. And now I'm going to do it for a price. I'm broke and teenage girls have needs, you know. Like clothes and stuff."

"Then why don't you work for it, comrade?"

"Because I said so. It starts with not questioning the answers! And also, I won't cook for you guys anymore. Even if you pay me. So just listen, 'kay?"

God, these guys…what am I going to do? They can't possibly work.

"Korean kid, go get the other manuals."

"What? Me?"

"Yeah, go." I waved my hand at him and skimmed through Gilbert's manual. "Alright, alright. Luckily for you pal, I know where all the bars and the newspaper offices are. You're good. Now we just wait for Yong Soo to get back.."

"Back from where?"

Kill me. Just….kill me now.

* * *

**AN: **Hi everyone! Sorry for not being around and updating! Also, sorry it's so short! Things got crazy, and now I'm actually living in Mexico! I left the USA on a foreign exchange program, so everything is just crazy! Haha! I've been here for three months now, so things have settled down quite a bit. Thank you for support and what not, and thank you for being patient. I'm honestly not the biggest fan of hetalia anymore, but I love hearing from all of you and so I will continue writing for all of you! Also, if any of you follow my other story, I promise that I'll finish it! I switched computers, and forgot to transfer those files onto my new one. Annnnnd now that other computer is still in the USA. That story will pick up again sometime in June or July, once I get home from Mexico and take my ACTs.


	4. English Confusion

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own anything. Sorry folks..

* * *

I'm the kind of person who enjoys peaceful things. I don't like yelling, or raised voices at all. I prefer hiding from people rather than approaching them and getting hurt. I prefer to watch or listen instead of actively participate. Also, that being said, I love to fight with people. What do you know? I'm a Starburst. Taste the rainbow—oh wait.

Anyway, what with me kicking everyone else out of my house to get jobs (therefore giving me peace and quiet to pretend my life was still normal), the day was perfect. Absolutely perfect. To a T. Nothing could go wrong. I was enjoying this, sitting with my new laptop and chatting with people, being able to roleplay without someone saying "you're not him" every four seconds. Life was good. So good, and then the doorbell rang.

Now you see, I'm aware of Murphey's Law. I understand how it works. That's why, this time, I was prepared. Anticipating that one of those dreadful boxes would arrived, I had prepared. I had dressed for success and perhaps a little flirting, too.

Giving myself a quick one-over with my webcam, I hopped up and smoothed my nice AE dress before answering the door with a shiny, lip gloss smile. That smile died on the inside, but stayed up on my face out of politeness.

"Oh, hi there" a rather homely fellow grinned at me.

"Hi," I replied with a stiff nod and forced smile. I just couldn't win. Where were all the cute delivery boys from earlier! Why didn't they just send the same guy everytime!

"I have a package for a Ms. K—"

"Yep, that's me, that's me. I know what it is just give me the tools."

His doughy face scrunched up. "Tools?"

"The sign box thingmabob."

As his mouth formed a silent "O", he handed over the box and I scribbled as quickly as I could to shove it back at him.

"Thank you very much, but you can just leave that box right there. You see, I have a date with my boyfriend and really need to get going soon…."

"Oh, no problem ma'am!" He grinned and nodded and ran back for the truck.

Of course, now I felt kind of bad for shooting him down (if that was what I was doing?) and so I smiled and waved and he drove off. That left just me and the box.

"Ohhh boy, okay. Let's see who we—" I couldn't finish my sentence. I saw that name, and I almost started crying. I think I did shed a tear.

"Finally! Someone normal! Someone I actually sort of like!"

I quickly went to find how to unpackage him without hurting myself, then tossed the manual aside. Taking a deep breath, I reached forward to open the box. This would be okay, right? But then again, my day had been shit since the doorbell rang. So, I just went for the safest way and played that song.

"Arthur! You have no idea how gla—no, please don't go into my kitchen."

* * *

"So you understand my rules, right? Do you want, uh, tea or something? I have Earl Grey, if you want. And milk and sugar and whatever you want."

"I would love some rosie, thanks. Thou 're bleedin' kind."

….What.

"'Scuse me, Artie. I speak American, thanks."

"Bugger. Tea would be great."

"Atta boy."

"HONEY I'M HOME."

Without even turning from the stove, I called over my shoulder at the new arrival. "Don't call my name, don't my name, you dickwad. I'm not your babe, I'm not your babe, Gilberto.."

"But the Awesome Me has your paycheck."

"Gilly baby, marry me?"

Arthur snorted, or maybe gagged. I forgot to tell him there were others. Oops.

"What's he doing here?" the both seemed to ask, respective accents incredibly thick.

"Heeeee just so happened to come in the mail like you did. If you want, you can both go back. Not a problem for me. Just, uh, you know. Pay me first."

Someone started to say something, but I got too distracted by my ringing phone to differentiate the foreigness.

"Yo," I replied dryly. I didn't actually check my caller ID first, but the syrupy voice in my ear informed me quickly enough. I had forgotten I'd made plans with someone today.

"Yo Kaley! I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but—no, I'm not quoting Kanye. I'm just telling it to you straight, brah. No, you shut up. Stop."

Kaley mumbled in my ear. I just poured Arthur's tea instead of actually listening to her.

"Sorry I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy. K-Kinda busy. K-Kin—no, I'm not quoting anything. I promise."

* * *

"Shut up, don't say anything, don't talk to anyone except the cashiers, and let's just get this over with, okay? Buy some normal people clothes, and then we can go buy whatever you guys want for food."

"Whatever, da-ze?"

"Anything you can find in the Wal-mart and that you can afford, yes. But, I'm not walking with you because I don't want to be seen with you guys. I don't want to kill what little reputation I have, thanks."

"Being with the Awesome Me wouldn't hurt your reputation at all."

"You're…you. It would go down in flames. Besides, not all of you could possibly want to shop in the same stores. Just, go, okay? And we'll meet up in the food court at like…5."

"So basically, you're giving us almost 6 hours?"

"Yes. Now go before someone sees me. Oh! And please, please, please change into the first outfit that you buy."

I sighed, watching them trudge off. It was like babysitting, only worse. I just headed off for the American Eagle, hoping to hide from them since I assumed none of them would go in there.

"Oh my God," I muttered when I saw half my class inside the store. Someone I would want to see would be in there, I was sure of it. So, I did what any smart person would do and I turned around to walk away.

"Oh, uh, hey Kaley."

"Hey Ki—"

"Fancy seeing you here!"

"Yeah. I thought you said you had plans?"

I nodded, squirming under the steady gaze of my ex-friend. I've been trying to avoid her ever since freshman year. "I do. I'm, uh, looking for someone."

"Someone?"

"Yup, my boyfriend. He said he'd meet me here when he got off work and then we would hang out." I forced a smiled, knowing she wouldn't be able to see through my lie since we haven't talked before today.

"Oh, you have a boyfriend? Who is it?"

"No one you know, trust me."

"I know a lot of people, just tell me."

"Nope, not him. He's older, doesn't go to our school."

Kaley frowned, crossing her arms. "You're dating an older guy? You're 16. Are you guys sleeping together?"

"What! No!"

"Uh-huh."

"Kaley, I mean it."

"Aly, the Awesome Me found you!"

"Oh, she's there, da-ze!"

"Have you seen what she wears? Of course she'd be there, you bloody git."

I froze, trying not to look too uncomfortable watching them all approaching me. Kaley, luckily, hadn't noticed they were talking to me yet.

"AlyAlyAlyAlyAlyAly!"

I sighed. "Oh, hey guys."

Kaley's eyes widened, and she turned to stare at them quickly before turning back to me. "You're name's not Aly. That's not even close to your name."

"Yeah, but I like it better."

"Is she your friend, Aly?" Yong Soo grinned and waved at Kaley.

"Yes," she replied with a wave back.

"Not really," I mumbled at the same time with an internal facepalm.

"So, which one is your boyfriend?"

I would've blushed if I was white. Instead, my face just got really hot and I felt like throwing up or passing out or just falling to the floor and crying.

"That would be yours truly," Gilbert grinned as he moved in to do God only knows what.

"These are his friends!" I shrieked, stepping away from him. "His friends! He's not here yet!"

Kaley frowned, then shrugged her shoulders. "Bummer, let me meet him next time."

"Yeah," I muttered as I stepped past her to usher everyone away. "Talk to you next time, I better go with these guys!"

"Yeah, bye."

I didn't even wait to see if she was watching or if they were following, I just started walking away as fast as I could. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I needed to find a bench just to calm down. This was why I drove an hour or so to St. Louis to do my shopping. I couldn't handle things like this.

"Where are you going, da-ze!"

I didn't answer, just sat down on a bench and buried my face in my hands for a moment, breathing.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine, thanks. Why did you all go to American Eagle, anyway? Wouldn't that be like, the one place you would avoid because it's so … American? And Eagley?"

Ivan glanced at the others cooly. "Da, but we were looking for you."

"Don't do that, please. Just go look at clothes and buy something and look normal, please."

I frowned and looked up, only to realize they all changed already. Except Arthur, who still looked like a Grandpa in his sweater vest. "Oh. Then, go buy more clothes. C'mon, you need more than just one outfit and Ant's clothes won't fit you all forever."

"You have that dago's clothes?"

"Not Antonio. My brother, Anthony. Jeez, I hope the next one of you to come in the mail isn't….isn't so….like you guys."

* * *

**AN: **Baaah. I'm just going to write these now and hope they make sense. Also, I realized now that trying to stay true to my life before is making this very hard, especially now that I forgot a lot about the things in my town, my house, and because I want to type in Spanish. So while before, everything was very, very as close as I could get to being real to my life, I'm going to start changing it slightly. That being, I'm mostly just going to kick this fictional me (that's becoming more and less like me every time I write one of these) out on her own with these guys, put in believable but would-never-happen-to-the-real-turoru situations in there, and casually change the character's city from my hometown to some fictional place that doesn't exist, since my brain is thinking too Mexican. I'm sure it won't change the story overall, and that hardly anyone will notice, but please bear with me! Also, as usual, I'm sorry for being dreadfully wrong with the characters. I'm terrible at them all. I am, honestly, just biding my time until I get to the N.A. bros. I'm more familiar with those two. And Spain..


	5. Canadian Syrup

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own anything, sorry guys. I'm just waiting, because someday I will. Someday...

* * *

Sometimes, I wondered if things could get any worse. I didn't even want to get out of bed, I was dreading going downstairs so much. China had come in the mail, and things were quiet for a little as he distracted both Ivan and Yong Soo, but things had picked up again once Feliciano and Vash came, too. Some many of them had come recently, I didn't even want to see another one. Or any of the ones I had.

"I don't know why I had to fill out that stupid pop up," I grumbled as I pulled the covers back over my head.

"Because it was free and money is key?"

"I don't even know which one you are, but get out of my room right now. This is an invasion of privacy!"

"No, that would be trying to bathe with you like some of the others do."

"Point taken." I sat up and rubbed my face, staring at Arthur before flopping back down and rolling over. "What do you want?"

"Well, we were all wondering if you were alive, since it's almost 3 in the afternoon and you're still in bed."

"Yup. Alive. You can go now."

I could hear him shuffle, hopefully towards the door. Hopefully, he would trip over the billions of things I had scattered on my floor.

"Also, you got a delivery."

The door shut before I could yell something at him, but I had the feeling I shouldn't because you're not supposed to shoot the messenger. Even if it would make you feel so much better. So instead, I just dragged myself out of bed and tried to find my glasses before heading down.

"She lives!"

"Fuck you," I mumbled in response. I started heading towards the kitchen, but judging by the foul smells Arthur had been in there. My appetite was suddenly gone. "Morning."

"Afternoon."

"Have you noticed she's stopped getting dressed up for us? Girls should always look pretty, ve!"

I glowered at Italy, and threw myself onto the couch. "I don't have to dress up for you guys if you live with me. What came in the mail?"

"Two more boxes."

"Boxes?"

"Of units, yes."

"Well, fuck."

Italy had thrown himself on me, hugging me close and practically screaming in my ear in that horribly singsong voice of his. Well, not screaming but it might as well have been. My head hurt already from these guys and I just woke up.

"Don't be like that, Aly! Think of it as more friends to eat, play, and share with! You have more friends!"

"You guys aren't my friends, you're …tenants! Not. Friends!"

It was quiet then; the kind of quiet that makes my stomach hurt and my heart beat fast. Not awkward, just uncomfortable and heavy, the type to make you feel bad. I knew I should apologize, because as true as it was (for me) it was still a little harsh to just shout it at them. But, I couldn't bring myself to say it. I felt like, in some small way, I was getting back at all of them for ruining my life. "I'm going to go for a walk," I mumbled as I headed back upstairs to get showered and dressed.

I needed time to think before I could actually talk to them, again.

* * *

At the park, I was hiding from everyone up in a tree. I loved climbing trees, as scared as I got when it was time to come down, so it was the first choice when I got the all clear of being alone. As far as I knew, no one had followed me and no one I knew was here, and even if they were here no one could bother me since I was up a tree.

Despite being here long enough for the sun to start setting, I still couldn't figure out how to go about apologizing to them. Sure, it would start with "sorry", but I can't just leave it at that. I always have to explain myself in these situations, and that was where my trouble was. I honestly couldn't even figure out why I had said it, other than the obvious reason of being tired and crabby, because the more I thought about it…the more I realized that the stupid units hadn't ruined my life at all. Sure, it might have been crazier with them around and harder to handle, but I wasn't just hiding from everyone now. I had people to talk to (as much as the presence was forced upon me) and I was socializing and not being a loser. After school, I did look forward to seeing them because the exciting things always happened when they were around.

Now, I was kind of scared to go home. I wouldn't blame them if they were gone, because I was kind of a jerk. Okay, maybe a big jerk. But then again, it's not like they had anywhere else to go so of course they would still be there. So then, maybe things would be so awkward when I got home that I would get cold feet and not be able to talk to them? But the longer I waited, the worse it would get, and then the worse it would get the harder it would be for me to say and the longer I would wait and then the worse it would get and so on. This was so confusing!

With a sigh, I just started climbing out of the tree to head home. I couldn't put it off forever, since I didn't have enough money on me to just run away and never come home.

"What's up, wifey? I didn't know you were here."

Surprised, I tried to turn my head and look at whoever was talking to me (though I knew who it was just not where he was). Instead, I lost my grip and fell on my back.

"Whoa! Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. It was like, two feet." I frowned up at my friend and held my hands out to him. Like the gentleman he was, he indeed helped me up.

"Thanks. So why are you here, Brady?"

"My family. You?"

"Hiding from my…uh, family."

He nodded, and I smiled and nodded a bit, too. In all honesty, I was just staring at his hair. I've always had a thing for redheads.

"So, as my husband-to-be, you should help me hide out here." It was easier for me to calm down around him, since I could think about so many other things. For example, the joke about us being engaged that came up at school, or about how much I wished he was actually my boyfriend and not just a close friend.

"I would, but I think my family would drive you more insane than yours" he shrugged. "We were getting ready to leave, anyway."

I shrugged back and nodded. "Oh, me, too. But we should hang out, sometime."

"Of course! Just text me and we'll work something out."

I laughed and agreed before we said our goodbyes, though not without a sort of sinking feeling. I'd never actually get a reply to any texts asking to hang out because I had tried that all summer. So, now it was time to go back to the craziness in my house and let that handle this new problem.

* * *

"So, like I said, I'm really really really sorry and I didn't mean it, and if you want we can be friends. To make up for it, could I make you guys cookies?"

I wasn't really listening for a response because I didn't want to hear it (or couldn't because my heart was pounding in my ears and just trying to explain was hard enough) and just went to start making cookies. I learned how to make them from scratch a while ago, and they tasted pretty good for looking a little…un-cookie like.

"Of course we can be friends! We were always friends~!" Feliciano was practically singing in the back. Someone was grumbling at him, and I assumed it was Yong Soo since he was watching Korean dramas (China had gone to get away from him and Ivan had stalked China, so he was a little lonely). As for the other Europeans, I was pretty sure they were drinking (a contest? I don't know) and weren't exactly talking to me. So, cookies were good. Cookies would fix this!

"You know, freund, you never opened your new box which will be nowhere as awesome as me."

"Oh, that's true. Once I put the cookies in the oven, then…"

"Nein! I'll do it for you!"

"But you don't know how!"

"The Awesome Me doesn't need to know how," he cackled.

"Ve, I'll help you Gilbert!"

I tried not to listen to the sounds of something (everything?) breaking apart as I shoved the cookies in the oven. "You guys, just wait a second…"

"Got it! You're so good at that, Gilbert!"

"Naturlich," he smirked in response. You could literally hear it in his voice.

I wandered over to see who they pulled out of the box, since I didn't hear anything that seemed to say they'd actually woken the unit up. As soon as I managed to squirm between Gilbert and Feliciano (and bat away any wandering hands), my hands flew to my mouth as I felt tears start prick at my eyes.

"Alfred!"

"IT'S MATTIE!" Gil reprimanded me loudly.

"Matthew!" I cried, equally thrilled. "Matt, you have no idea how happy I am to see you!"

"You can see me!"

"Yes, I see you! You're like…like a hero, you're here to save me from these guys!" I motioned at all of the others in the room. I could feel one of the drinkers (Vash, I assumed) glaring at me. Matt was smiling, and I smiled back because I was just so happy. "I have cookies in the oven, if you want any."

"I want one, da-ze!"

"No, you can't have any!"

The Canadian laughed a bit, nervously. "I guess, thank you."

I just nodded and went to go check the timer and leave them to whatever. As much as I liked the guy, I wasn't going to baby him and protect him from the others. He'd learn…hopefully.

* * *

**AN: **Sorry for like, literally skipping three of them. I didn't know what to do with them, so I just threw them in here and saved you from reading three very bad, very short updates. Not that any of these are good, haha. I'm just going with the flow. One more before Halloween! I love Mexico, but recently I've really wanted to go home to the USA just so I can go to a haunted house. There are really good ones in St. Louis! I just want to get scared, haha.


End file.
